If you’re ever lucky enough to find a girl who is a hopeless romantic with a dirty mind, you should hold onto that. Because she’ll be yours at two in the morning and at two in the afternoon the following day. She’ll kiss you where it hurts and until it hurts. And that’s important. Someone who not only knows how to turn you on but also knows how to treat you right is someone worth a little something… and a little more than usual

There are days that I cannot find the sun even though its right outside my goddamn window.
— Neil Hilborn, “This is Not the End of the World”
(via comateuxx)

Grandma’s in the yard cutting bushes… and she cuts the phone line.

Dad: What's the Second Amendment?
Me: **whips out a copy of the Constitution** The right to bear arms.

Laughing sooo hard at this because it’s me so bad… whoops


6. “That Masshole just cut me off!”

The “Masshole” takes pride in his aggressive and illegal driving habits. The King of Road Rage, he drifts between lanes with reckless abandon, tailgates hard, is too cool to use turn signals, and has demonstrated an inability to yield, merge, observe road signs and speed limits, and function like a human being behind the wheel of a car.

Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/new-england-sayings-2013-12#ixzz2mTa6WIuS

I go to look at the appointment book today at work and all I see in the 2:30 spot is “LOBSTERS”